That Time Twitter Tried To Get Me Killed For Criticizing The Quran

 

Hey! I guess this first post is going to set the tone on what this place is going to be. (And no it isn't going to be a visual tutorial on shitty 2002-era website design.)

 

 That's what r/Ooer is for...

Anyways, I like Twitter. 

I like it a lot.

But I also simultaneously hate its guts. Especially the way Jack Dorsey and his team of woke techies try to keep the platform "an unbiased safe space for all ideas from all different backgrounds."

Like the time Twitter Legal sent me an email notifying me that one of my tweets had broken the fucking law.

In Pakistan...

You see despite what my exotic good looks, and explosive charm would have you think, I'm not Pakistani. Which means I don't have to follow Pakistani laws. I can retweet that same tweet all day, everyday and the Nation of Pakistan can't do shit about it. 

Which is why I wasn't too upset until I did some digging around and found the penal code for the law I was being accused of breaking and read it. 

 

If this law pertained to me, ya boy would be facing life in prison. And it also doesn't help that if you look into it, most people put on trial for blasphemy in Pakistan are killed by random people before they even get sentenced. So, I guess it's safe to say that I won't be going to Pakistan anytime in the near future.

Which is a shame, because now where do I spend my summer vacation?

And now I KNOW you're definitely wondering what was the absolutely heinous tweet that made me an international criminal?

 

For pete's sake the Quran says the sun sets in a literal river on the Earth. That's wrong as hell. And y'all are out here blowing stuff up over this. That's like me committing crimes for Spider-Man.#fuckislam

— The Wolf (@JoeNagarams) November 2, 2020

 

Yeah, that's it. 

I do have to admit that it was worded pretty harshly. I didn't have to throw that hashtag in at the end. That was just a tad bit unnecessary. I definitely could understand how some Muslims/Pakistanis could read this, fly off the hinges and report it to Twitter.

 Pictured: Every Muslim that saw my tweet.

But the fact is, I'm not lying. This isn't "Quran 101 with Joe", but yes, the Quran does directly say that the Sun sets in a muddy river on Earth. (And you don't have to just take my word on that.) Which is one of the most objectively ridiculous and false things I've ever heard. In terms of credibility, it's right up there with "Charlie Sheen has never done drugs" or "Woodrow Wilson was a good president"

 

Amongst other things...

But all of that is water under the bridge, I'm an American, so I don't have to worry about this shit. I'm honestly just pissed that Twitter is compliant with this nonsense.

A company that frequently claims to have progressive goals, and to support LGBT people, is helping to enforce a law that will result in the imprisonment or death of people who criticize a religion that not only isn't progressive, but also isn't very pro-LGBT. 

Let's say I was Pakistani. Twitter would've handed my IP address over to the government and my days of criticizing the Quran would've been over. And knowing what we do about Pakistan, if the word got out, it's not at all unlikely that some religious nutjob would've killed me.

 

Another reason for me to thank God that I'm American.

 

So is it unfair to say that if I was Pakistani, this would count as a (likely successful) attempt on my life? Carried out in part by Twitter!!!

Let's pretend that my tweet had read "I like the Quran because Mohamed was gay like me." Would they still have turned me over? It's still blasphemy. But it's positive, progressive, blasphemy. What if I said "I support gay rights, because Surah 69:420 says marriage is between two people that love each other." Again, its definitely blasphemy, but its progressive. Pakistan would probably take issue with it, but would Twitter?

 

Which bird flaps harder?

Furthermore, I wasn't even really dunking on the Quran so much as I was shit-talking people that blow stuff up in the name of the Quran. You know, literal terrorists? And I'll go on record and say you're stupid if you blow stuff up in the name of Jesus, Allah, Buddha, the environment, Santa Claus, Bomby the God of Explosions, or anything else. I think you're an idiot if you blow yourself and other people up in the name of anything. These harsh words aren't just reserved for Islam.

So honestly I guess the only thing  of substance we learned here is not to talk shit on the Quran if you live in Pakistan. Or maybe just don't live in Pakistan if you can help it...

Also, fuck Twitter.  

 

But still, follow me, though...